Writing a Lifestyle Dating Profile
Writing a profile and other details
Your online profile is often the first impression that people have of you. You’ll want to make it reasonably brief, yet detailed, honest but not TMI, sexy but tasteful, humorous but sincere. Easy, right? Maybe not!
We have read a lot of profiles in our years in the LS. These are just our opinions, and our tips, and I am sure others have their thoughts that may or may not be the same as ours, but here is a list of our turn-ons and turn-offs when it comes to profiles:
Let’s start with the Turn-ons:
-Pictures of both the guy and the gal in the couple are preferred. I love looking at beautiful pictures of your wife, but I want to see you too fella! The goal is four-way connection, so we both need to see both of you to get an idea if we can start the exploration of whether we click or not. I am not just doing this for my husband! I want to see your handsome face and your sexy body so that I can start to think about what it would be like to press my naked body against you…ok, focus Gina…
-Current pictures, recent pictures and pictures you took within the year. Oh, and current pictures. And recent ones…
-Pictures that are up close so we can see you! And at least one without sunglasses in your private picture areas.
-Tell us about yourselves, in an honest, straightforward way. If you don’t let people know what you are into, and how you like to do things, then it may be harder to find compatible people. The flip side of this, of course, is that when you read a profile, pay attention to what people said. If they say they are not into BDSM, probably don’t suggest a date at the Baltimore Playhouse! (A BDSM venue)
Along with telling about yourselves as a couple, letting people know your sexual orientations is also important. We have heard a lot of debate about whether guys should disclose that they are bi. That is definitely a personal choice and we can understand both sides of the argument. On the one hand, if guys don’t put it out there, then it is much less likely they will connect with other bi guys. On the other hand, we understand that a guy being bi is something some men feel uncomfortable with and so will decline to get with a great couple if the guy is bi. As with anything in this Lifestyle, communication is key, as is paying attention to what is in the profile. We indicate that Gina is bi, but that is not a have-to if the other lady is not. If the guy in a couple is bi, but you are not, just saying so may be all that is needed. We have never heard of a bi guy pushing that on anyone. Not saying it couldn’t happen, but most people have control over themselves and could probably resist you if they had to 😉
-We enjoy being with people who like to do things, so hearing about some vanilla interests too is nice and may help generate some ideas for an initial meeting place or event.
Turn offs include:
-Maybe don’t put your bathroom selfies, car selfies, or hey I am getting ready in the morning and I look amazing so let me take this picture, forgetting that there is a cat box and a pile of dirty laundry behind you. Sorry, but, not sexy. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me!
-Please put a picture that shows you smiling, maybe something from a party or other happy event. It’s hard to picture getting sexy with you when your picture looks like a mug shot!
-Try to be positive, and let people know what you are looking for, rather than telling us all the criteria for not contacting you. When I read profiles where people are saying, “If you this or that, don’t bother reaching out” my jerk radar starts pinging and I don’t want to reach out to them anyway.
It’s very common to be shy, especially as newbies. We are hearing a lot of people talk about having difficulty finding people to connect with, and that people are just being flakey, and non-comital recently. We are not sure what this phenomenon might be, except that once people started getting together again after the pandemic, it seemed like many veteran lifestylers were no longer around, and many, many newbies came on the scene. So, there are fewer veterans to guide new people, and fewer opportunities for people to meet others through other people. This is one of the reasons why we established Black Ring Swing in the first place. There are lots of newer people, just trying to figure everything out and being cautious about speaking up for fear of rejection.
But there are two things to learn here:
Being rejected sucks, but by not speaking up, for sure nothing will happen. Don’t always wait for the other party to speak up because they may be just as shy as you are! You will never make a move and they will never make a move and all four of you will get discouraged, when all it took was a hello.
It’s no fun to be the one to decline an offer either. It’s very awkward to have to say, thank you, but we are not interested in playing. So everyone is taking a chance in this Lifestyle.
But we are adults who engage in all manner of difficult tasks every day! You got this! There are ways to say things that get our point across without being offensive or rude.
And let’s face it, we have all been rejected while in the LS. And the reasons can be all kinds of things you never know, like you look like the person’s ex-husband or their female cousin, etc…So don’t take it personally, not everyone is for everyone and the reasons might not have anything to do with you personally. We were actually rejected from our online query by one of our now really great friends in the LS. It was something that had nothing to do with us. But we were able to reconnect at a party when things were different for them and have had amazing times with them.
Here are some things you might say to let a couple know you are interested and would like to get to know them better, and maybe even play:
“You guys seem awesome. Please let us know if you would like to grab dinner or drinks and see where things go.”
“It was awesome meeting you at the club the other night. If you are interested in playing sometime, Friday nights work great for us.”
“We love to go to local wineries. We would welcome you joining us soon, if you would like.”
Some things to say if you have been approached but are just not interested or not feeling it:
“You are great people, but we would like to keep it vanilla for right now.”
“We appreciate the invitation, but we are not feeling a four-way connection. I hope you have a great weekend!”
We have found that suggesting drinks, dinner or some other non-play outing first (preferably on a weeknight or weekend day) is good because it takes the pressure off. The whole point is to see if there is chemistry. You have your non-play outing, everyone goes home, you talk to your partners and If there is not chemistry, you don’t make a follow-up date. We have had some recent discussions with people as to their preference not to do the intro date, and can understand their reasoning, too. If you prefer to meet people at clubs or events, handing someone a card with your contact info is a great way to show you are interested and give them a way to reach out if they feel the same. At BRS events, we usually have a pile of contact cards for this purpose.
Realistically, stepping past your shyness and extending the invitation is probably still much, much easier for people than declining an invite. So, it’s also a matter of reading between the lines sometimes. The important thing is for you to let people know you are interested. If they are too, they will respond in kind. If not, they may put you off in some other way. And honestly, that’s fine. You said it, they didn’t take you up on it. No harm done. You are not waiting around for someone else to say something. We hear people say, and we have said ourselves “We have been crazy with work and kids lately, but we are definitely interested! Please don’t think we are not.” If people are interested and know you are too, generally they let you know they would like to get together.
The Lifestyle is dynamic, it morphs and changes and is alive. Sometimes we have to notice those changes and shift our thinking too. But we are all in this together, and what an amazing group of people you are. We are here for you, so please feel free to reach out with any questions, concerns, or ponderances you may have.
XOXO ~Gina and Matt
Contact@BlackRingSwing.com