Lifestyle FAQ’s Part 1
Lifestyle Frequently Asked Questions Part 1
1. We don’t want to upset anyone. How do we say we are not interested?
I know this is hard because no one wants to make anyone feel bad, but I think the thing to keep in mind for both parties is that there is not malintent. Playing is very intimate and if you are not into someone, playing is not an option. Period. That does not, however, mean that you can’t be friends. Lifestyle people are super cool, and for many of us, the friendship part is the most important. Play is a bonus.
So, how do you say “no, thank you”? As directly, yet kindly as you can. “It’s just not a four-way connection.” or “We think you are great people, but just not feeling the play vibe.” While we are not going to click with everyone, the opposite is also true-there is someone for everyone.
Another factor with this is when you are involved in group play at a party or club, where others may approach and want to participate without having been expressly invited. Ideally, they should ASK before touching anyone, but sadly, many times this is not the case. Either way it is OK, no, imperative, that you say, “No thanks, not right now please.”
If you are the one told “No thank you”, please understand that it is not a personal attack or meant to be hurtful. People have a right to their boundaries and a right to say that they do not want any one individual touching them at any given point. Please be cool about it. There are many reasons you may be told, ‘no thank you’ or tell someone ‘no thank you’. It could be anything from you looking like an ex or a relative, they have specific type, etc…
2. What is the right way to cancel a date?
Things happen. We wake up with the flu, kids get sick, work calls us in. Most of us text, either through an app or just our cell service. So, if this is your usual means of communication with play partners, then texting a nicely written cancellation with an explanation is ok. Personally, I feel that even though we text people generally, if we have to cancel, I like to call, if at all possible. But maybe that is old school at this point!
Obviously, we don’t want to cancel at the last minute if that is avoidable. And sometimes it is just not. Kids start with fevers an hour before we are planning to leave the house. I myself have had periods start five minutes before play is going to start at a party. Timing can seriously suck. Of course, you reach out as soon as possible. But sometimes it’s not so sudden. For example, if you are sick on Tuesday and have a date set for Saturday, then we suggest reaching out to those you are scheduled to see and giving them the option to reschedule. Weekend days, especially those with sitters, are precious. Reaching out and saying, “Hey, this is what’s going on, so there is a good chance we will have to cancel. Would you like to reschedule now, or wait and see?” may be highly appreciated. You deciding to wait and see, then deciding the day of the date that you are still too unwell, and then cancelling, may be a bit frustrating to people who knew nothing of your illness, have been looking forward to the date, coordinating child care, maybe even spending money on an outfit, or salon services in preparation. Some people may absolutely just want to wait and see how things go, but many couples are super busy or have to coordinate a bunch of factors to be able to go out, so having the option to reschedule with you not only means they get to look forward to a future time to experience your sexiness knowing you cared enough about their time to give you the heads up, but they can also plan something else for the day you may have to cancel, rather than just being out of luck.
I suggest giving people another shot when they cancel. But definitely no more than three strikes. I myself have had times where perimenopause was wreaking havoc with my body and we had to cancel on people multiple times. Then I got an ablation. Problem solved😂. Point being, things happen and we don’t always know what is going on with people, so be understanding, but have your limits.
3. We went to a club/party and it was fun, but no one asked us to play. What did we do wrong?
Probably nothing! It is a good idea to get comfortable with finding a respectful, clever and simple way to open up a dialog with others at the club or party. Compliment their outfit, say a good one liner about what is happening around you. We know it is hard sometimes to strike up a conversation with others for fear of rejection or with those that may appear not interested in talking, but most likely they are just as shy as you are. We hear all the time that people are waiting for others to make the move. The problem is if all of you are doing that, then no one may meet. You may get someone that will make the move, but you may not and if you had only broken the ice, you would have made some great new friends.
The same thing goes with play at the club or event. If things are going well with someone, it’s not a waste to make the suggestion! We figure it’s kind of one of those judgment things where you have to think, are we vibing with this couple (or couples, single guy or single girl) right now? Are we up for play tonight? Are we up for play with them? Are we both equally into them (as opposed to one of you being really attracted and the other of you not so much)? Is it getting late and we don’t want to miss this opportunity or start too late and have to rush? If the answer to these is yes, that’s when being able to say, “Would we like to take this conversation to a playroom?” might be the key to an awesome night. But if they say no, don’t take it personally. Give them the option to reach out to you on another day by providing your contact information (App Profile Name, Site Profile Name). And in turn, it is helpful to have a response ready for someone inviting you to play—whether it is an acceptance, or a polite decline (which is always ok and will be kindly accepted by quality people).
4. We went to an event and everyone seemed to already know each other. Is that always how the LS is?
Sometimes people do complain because they feel that some places, or parties are clique-ish, meaning that people seem to have planned to meet their friends there and aren’t really interested in meeting new people. We do see that happen sometimes, but it isn’t the way it is all the time, it largely depends on the type of event. However, plenty of people show up maybe knowing some people, maybe knowing nobody, being open to play, but not necessarily going to go say, “Hey you are sexy, let’s go play!”.
In party settings, clubs, resorts or other travel, you don’t usually know who will be there unless you plan to go with a specific couple or group, so sometimes people do go with existing friends. Sometimes it is because they just wanted to go someplace fun with their current friends but sometimes it is because people are trying to have a guarantee that they will know people. They may not be aware that it creates the very problem they were trying to avoid for themselves, especially if they don’t give off welcoming vibes to others outside of their own acquaintances. Personally, we like to come away from any event we attend (in addition to our hosting duties) having added people to our circle of amazing friends. Sharing is caring after all!
We have some recommendations to help in these settings. If the event has a post of who is going to be there and has a chat feature, engage in chatting with some people and get to know them before you arrive. Start making those connections before you even get there.
If it is a muti-day event, consider buying the tickets for all the days. People will usually meet on the first days and build their connections, so if you buy a ticket for just one evening on the second day, everyone may already have made their connections, and you will feel it is cliquish even if the event wasn’t that way to start out.
We know it is hard sometimes, but the sayings “nothing ventured, nothing gained” and “fortune favors the bold” are so true. Be outgoing and find reasons to comment on what someone is wearing, etc. That can lead into a larger conversation with that person or couple and then they may introduce you to their group as a whole.
5. What if we are proceeding to the playroom, or are in the playroom and one of us changes our mind?
That is TOTALLY OK! But best to have talked about that ahead of time. Agreeing on how you will communicate that to each other is first on the agenda. Sometimes, people like to have a code word or phrase, which is fine as long as it is absolutely clear to both of you that saying that particular thing means “We have to step away.” It must be something you would never say otherwise. But even just saying, “Hey Babe, could we chat for a minute?” is fine. Again, the point is to get an opportunity to communicate about how you are feeling. Saying to the other people, “hey, we are just going to take a minute” is ok to do. And maybe you figure out whatever the issue is, or maybe you pop back to the room and say, “So sorry, looks like we have to head out. Our apologies!” This is just an artifact of these environments where play is an option with people you are just meeting for the first time.
In contrast, when meeting people online, we always advocate meeting in person, at least for drinks, maybe for a meal, so that you can check them out in reality, and see if everyone vibes. Then you make a date to play knowing everyone is all in. If you can, make the first date during a week day so you are not taking away the other couple’s or single person’s weekend. We have heard some discussion lately about people not wanting to take the time to have a date before the play date. But sorry, we often see things turn out less than good when people don’t take the time to at least meet and get to know folks before they get naked. That’s just our advice, but everyone can decide for themselves. Those of you who know us well have heard us talk about this a lot, so thanks for bearing with me!
6. Are people in the Lifestyle also into kink?
No, not necessarily. They can be but that is not a given. There is a fair amount of overlap, but many people are one or the other. And, sometimes people start out in one community and explore the other and then continue to take part in both.
7. How do you find a unicorn?
Single females are referred to as unicorns for a reason! They are few and far between. If you are set on finding one, you may find yourself very frustrated. The better plan is just to put yourselves out there, and if you come across an opportunity to get to know a cool single gal, take it. To be perfectly honest, most of the people we know who have had great experiences with dating single women, have done so before they got fully into the lifestyle. It was just circumstances that worked out, and the lifestyle came after.
8. How do we find a quality single guy to join us?
Single guys who are cool, fun, polite, mature, respectful, in it for the right reasons, well groomed, and able to perform well with a husband in the room can be just as tough to find as a single female. There are many single men who are available in the lifestyle. But what we have seen is that being very discerning, and patient, is extremely important. If your settings on sites are open to single males, you will likely be inundated with messages. Even when your profile indicates you are not interested in single men, you will likely still be inundated! But getting to know someone is, again, one of the best things you can do. A quality guy will be patient with your pace, is willing to meet you for dinner or drinks, is not pushy, and wants to get to know the husband as well as the wife. Ignoring all the less than customized and sometimes downright ballsy messages is necessary. Look for a message addressed specifically to you, that is well written, and respectful, and shows genuine interest in your profile, rather than just a desire to get into the bedroom with your sexy wife. Meet and Greets are good ways to get to talk with single guys and see what they are like. Parties may be opportunities for this too. Men who are happy to stand there and chat with you and get to know you, rather than push to get to a playroom are those that will end up being great.
9. How do you get away from the single guys?
You can arrange settings on your sites to say you do not wish to be contacted by single men. Blocking people who reach out in a less than mature way is also an option. We have found that trying to give a polite “no, thank you” actually seems to be perceived as an open door to continue to message, so we advise just not responding to anyone in whom you have no interest.
10. How do you find the four-way connection?
Unfortunately, there is no way to make this happen. Attending events, putting yourselves out there and being willing to start up conversations is the best way to make connections. Be yourselves, get to know people, treat people like you want to be treated, have fun, and make friendship the priority. It’s not possible for all four people to vibe every time. That’s what makes it so awesome when that does happen! You are dating like you did when you were single, but now you are dating as a couple. So, there are more personalities involved. It is only natural it may take longer than finding a connection between two people, which can take some time itself. So again, put yourself out there as much as you can and be patient.
11. How do you protect yourself against STDs?
Insist on condoms and use them properly. However, we do need to understand that condoms do not necessarily protect us from everything.
Also, get tested frequently at your doctor. Be honest with your doctor about your involvement in the LS. They can treat you more effectively if they have all the information. Having said that, if your provider passes judgment, or somehow is less approachable knowing about your lifestyle, I suggest you find a new provider who understands that sexuality is a good thing, and that not everyone wants the same thing from it.
Please do not assume that your provider’s office will order tests for every STD. You should ask what specific tests they routinely order, and if you want additional ones done, ask the doctor to do them. You may have to pay for some if they are not part of the usual panel covered by insurance.
Sometimes people want to ask others for their results before a play date. It’s fine to ask, and to decline play if they are not provided.
12. How do you navigate/handle jealousy that might pop up?
This is the kind of issue that is often mediated on the front end by good communication with your partner. You are less likely to run into problems if you and your partner have talked about your rules, and preferences (ie: same room vs. going off separately), and talked about how you might let each other know if you are feeling uncomfortable. However, the most solid, good communicators can run into unexpected issues. My advice from above about having a way to let each other know that you need to take a minute applies here. Going into any function knowing that you are in this together and that your bond is the most important one, sets the stage for being compassionate when you are having a marvelous time, but your partner reaches out for reassurance.
My strong recommendation is to think about how to approach your partner with an “I” statement. For example, “I am feeling uneasy right now. Can we talk for a minute?” “I am feeling uncomfortable with this couple. I would like to step away for now.” “I am having some feelings about what was just said.” Approaching your partner with “I” rather than “you” sets you up for an open conversation, rather than putting your partner on the defensive.
Jealousy is a natural human emotion and should be treated as a wave to be ridden out with curiosity and compassion for yourself and your partner, not with anger and defensiveness. We all may feel it sometimes and there is nothing wrong with that. It is how we handle these times that matters. Many times, it is fueled by a sense of competition or fear of abandonment. What we tell ourselves determines how we feel and our feelings drive our actions. If you have an incidence of jealousy during a date or event, I strongly recommend putting further LS activity on hold until you have had a chance to have a heart to heart with your partner. Examining the thinking or beliefs behind the feelings and talking those thoughts/beliefs through with your partner is what needs to happen to prevent further issues.
13. What if I am into him/her but my partner is not into her/him?
You have probably heard the idea of “not taking one for the team”. We definitely advocate this notion as well. It is always ok to say to your partner, “I am just not into him/her”. And that should be enough. The above advice of simply saying, “it’s just not a four-way connection” is what you can do.
Although, we do suggest getting to know people. Sometimes you are not into someone when you first meet, but once you get to know them, and you see how awesome they are, then you find you are attracted to them. Not that you should try to make yourself feel anything you don’t, of course, but simply, don’t make snap judgments about people. And, maybe consider expanding your tastes a bit. Matthew has often said that before the LS, he was attracted to women with my body type, but once being in the LS awhile, he realized that he finds himself attracted to women of various looks and body types.
14. We made rules, now we feel like we have outgrown them. Is it ok to change how we do things?
Absolutely. Periodic discussions about how things are going, and how you each are feeling are recommended. As you gain more experience and comfort with the LS, you will likely feel good with being more adventurous. Just make sure you both stay on the same page with everything.
I know these are not the only FAQs. We will collect more and do another article like this down the road. We are always open to questions, whether they are about the Lifestyle in general, about Black Ring Swing, navigating your LS journey, or working out stumbling blocks. Feel free to reach out to us via email at contact@blackringswing.com. Stay sexy everyone!!